What Is Codependency?
Someone who is codependent is one who has let another person's behavior or feelings affect them in a way that interferes with their work, creativity, other relationships and/or personal growth. Alternately, the word codependency also refers to people who are preoccupied with controlling other people's behaviors and feelings. Contrary to what many people think, codependency does not only refer to dependent relationships that involve substance abuse. Its connotations are far broader. Codependents tend to be overly concerned with other people's problems while ignoring or neglecting their own needs and wants, resulting in an inability to feel balanced, whole, and empowered. Codependency is one of our most destructive psychological habits, and, unfortunately, one of the most prevalent. Distorted and damaged self-esteem is often the root of codependency. When we feel healthy and whole, we understand that we cannot control other people's feelings, ideas, or behaviors. We make decisions that are best for us, and others are afforded this same right and responsibility.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence (as defined by Codependents Anonymous - CODA)
Denial Patterns:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly - as never "good enough."
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal - remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Codependency is a learned pattern of intra- and inter- personal relating; and therefore, can be "unlearned" and replaced with healthier patterns of loving oneself and loving and relating to others.
